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Thread: Not All Absent Fathers are Dead-beat Dads

  1. #1
    Shrieking Violet Sprockey's Avatar
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    Not All Absent Fathers are Dead-beat Dads

    What if there aren’t as many dead-beat dads in the world as we think, but instead more vengeful moms out to cause pain?

    I understand that this question is going to ruffle feathers and make more than a few mad, but my intent is to build awareness and start a dialogue.
    Here’s my disclaimer: I completely understand that there are, in fact, fathers and mothers who walk away from their parental duties. I am also painfully aware that there are many instances of abuse and neglect of parents both married and unmarried. This article does not pertain to these two groups.

    Instead, I am talking about Parental Alienation, which creates targets not just of fathers (although experts agree that there are more fathers who suffer Parental Alienation), but also of mothers after divorce or a breakup.


    A year ago, I believed there was a large population of dead-beat dads—you know, those men who rarely see their kids, shirk their financial responsibilities, and live a life of freedom while the mothers slave away raising the children.
    A year ago, I had no idea the pain and anguish one person could cause another by manipulating children.
    Then it happened—I saw firsthand the manipulation of a mother attempting to remove the father from the child’s life.
    A year ago, I hadn’t heard this term, but had seen a few cases where one parent withholds the children from the other.


    He walked away from the chaos of the custody battle knowing it was destroying his own mental well-being and, ultimately, that it was unhealthy for his kids.
    https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017...ead-beat-dads/


    Is it ever ok for a father to walk away from his kids?

    *I know mothers do it , too- but this is about "deadbeat dads"
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  2. #2
    HI! Wise Old Goat's Avatar
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    Oh I'm sure there are lots of vengeful moms out there but I would think that fighting for your kids are worth it. I had a brief "reunion" with my dead beat dad in the 90's and he tried once to say that my mother didn't want him calling us. I shut that shit down - if you have kids and you want to see them you fight for them. I also don't understand deciding that leaving them with a "vengeful" mother who is manipulating her kids is healthy for the kids either - and maybe worth fighting to protect them against that.

    I'm sure there are lots of cases where dads walk away from seeing their kids because mom is vengeful or whatever but there is zero excuse for financially abandoning your children. To me that's what a dead beat parent is - someone who walks away from parenting and the financial responsibility that comes with it. So even if buddy in the article feels the custody battle was unhealthy for him and his children that doesn't mean he's no longer obligated to support them.

  3. #3
    Nihongo dame desu villanelle's Avatar
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    Once the non-custodial parents stops sending money, I think any high ground he may have held is 100% gone. Even if he sees mom wasting that money on shit for her self, at least it is pumping money into the child's household budget.

    I am sure there are dads and moms who just sort of give up. I suppose I can understand that, but only to an extent.

    I think the courts need to do a much better job of holding parents accountable to custody agreements. They go after those who don't pay, but they seem to more or less ignore messing with custody. BIL, if his claims are to be believed, would show up at Ex SIL's house and ring the doorbell at his appointed time, and they would simply not answer the door, even though they were clearly home. The cops said they could not do anything. Why is this not contempt of court? I do understand the cops are unlikely to yank the kids from the mom's arms and hand them to dad, but they should show up, document that the dad (or mom) is there at his appointed time, and then hand that over to the justice system. There should be a law passed that failure to abide by a custody agreement is a crime. And that should be enforced. First offense warning, second offense ticket, third offends, bigger ticket, fourth offense, a couple nights in jail.

    I think part of the reason some parents may just walk away is that they don't have much recourse. They show up every Tuesday and every Tuesday they are turned away, and there's nothing they can do about it. And the kids are likely not even aware, if the mom is crafty enough, so there is nothing gained by sitting outside an empty house every Tuesday. If we gave custody agreements some teeth, at least some of these parents might be able to have the tole sin their kids' lives that they want, and they wouldn't walk away.

    I also think that there could be some sort of law that makes it a crime to repeatedly drag these things to the court when there's no real problems. I know there's some sort of law--though I think it's tough to actually prosecute--against people who repeatedly file random insurance claims or sue others over ridiculous stuff, hoping for settlement money. Why not have something similar in child custody cases. If mom wants to drag dad in to court 100 times in 5 years and the courts find that it is over matters that have already been settled or other ridiculous stuff, why not fine the mom and/or make her pay dad back for his legal fees?

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    Moderator Shaena's Avatar
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    I am living the aftermath of dealing with a useless mother, who took all the money she could grub, and did her damndest to make sure those kids had multiple daddies and uncle's that were not the father of her children she blocked and took to court, for no other reason than she could. It was only at the end of 18 very long years did my husband finally see a little justice, but by then the damage was done. Financially and emotionally.

    It's easy to think of what you would do, if you never experienced it. It's a hard road, when you are not the one in the driver's seat. Even when a father fights his hardest, if he is not the one with custody, he can easily be the bad guy. My husband did all the right things, I wish the family outcome had been better for him, it makes me sad.

  5. #5
    Full Sponsor TapToTalk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sprockey View Post
    Is it ever ok for a father to walk away from his kids?
    No.

  6. #6
    Moderator purplekitty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sprockey View Post
    Is it ever ok for a father to walk away from his kids?
    No. My husband lived this. It is never okay to abandon your children. They can't walk away. It is more unhealthy for children to have a father who walks away.

  7. #7
    Non-praying member Mamapalooza's Avatar
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    No. It's okay to give up the pursuit of custody if it's causing more harm than good, but that doesn't mean give up on seeing the kids and stop paying support that's due. That's bullshit.

    I like that the family laws here have changed -- custody starts from a position of joint being the default and the custodial parent is now held in contempt of court if the kids are withheld from their visitation with the non-custodial, as it should be!
    "Wherever in the world much poverty is found, much religion is found also"

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