Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 27 of 27

Thread: Sars, re Emotional Labour

  1. #21
    Off to Work! Eli's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Upstate NY
    Posts
    15,435
    Rep Power
    504089
    I do see the dirt and DH may see it, but it doesn't bother him. I have become better about letting a lot of it go. DH buys gifts for his side and my side, he makes his own appointments. He also works 3 jobs and is out of the house more than he's here. I realized that much of the resentment I felt about the housecleaning wasn't about what DH was or wasn't doing, it was pressure I was creating to "get it all done." I realized that it doesn't need to all get done and if a better offer comes along- it's going to be put off. I'm okay with that. Tidy is good enough and if I have energy and time, I'll do more if I feel like it.



  2. #22
    Heartless Wench Alice Chalmers's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Brew City
    Posts
    33,179
    Rep Power
    319894
    Okay, I've got a good one. Dh has a fairly large family with many cousins. One cousin is getting married in May. It's going to be a fabulous wedding. The entire family is invited. We are. Another of dh's cousins were over and they were trying to figure out why we were invited but this cousin and dh's brothers were not. Was it Facebook? No, they're all friends. They went through several possibilities and just had no idea.

    Finally I informed them that *we* (I use the term "we" loosely) send said cousin and his partner a Christmas card every year, along with congratulation cards on recent accomplishments such as his Ph.D. and prestigious new job.

    So there's my emotional labor. Dh seem to think we just magically maintain connections with all these people. No, that would be me.

  3. #23
    Full Sponsor maurinsky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    27,361
    Rep Power
    371795
    I did all labor, emotional and otherwise, in my first marriage.

    Things are much more equitable now. We both do housework - do things as we see that they need to be done. We both cook - he does more in the winter when his work days are shorter, I do more in the summer when he gets home later. He remembers birthdays for his family; he had the good fortune to marry into a family where there really aren't birthday celebrations.

    My husband is a nurturer, something I never knew I needed until I found him. We work really well together. In my 1st marriage, when we went on a trip, I did all the planning, booking, paying, packing. With Doug, we figure everything out together, share costs, etc. He makes lists and checks them twice. He asks if I have my keys before he locks the door. He checks to make sure windows and doors are locked at night.

  4. #24
    Full Sponsor maurinsky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    27,361
    Rep Power
    371795
    Although now that I'm thinking about it, that's mostly actual labor, not emotional. I did everything the first time around, though. Gifts, parties, maintaining relationships with his family...

  5. #25
    Non-praying member Mamapalooza's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    The British Columbia
    Posts
    20,752
    Rep Power
    240715
    I think we're pretty well balanced at our house, and most of that has been achieved since DH stopped working full time (mostly away from home). Prior to that there were some areas of our life, particularly where it concerned our daughter, that the imbalance was the point we were on the brink of separation.

    I don't take on his emotional obligations though, and never really have. If he doesn't send his mom a birthday card, or call his kids on their birthdays, then so be it. I will remind him of someone's birthday (because I see it on my FB feed, not necessarily because I've invested in the intent to remember) but that takes virtually no effort on my part. I will call my kids and remember the dates because they are important to me and I want to. If he doesn't then I don't hold it against him, but I don't shoulder the motivation to do so either.

    Most things are a joint effort (maintaining the house, packing for a road trip, whatever) but he has the habit of telling me "write this down...make me a note" due to some memory loss from his head injury. I did for quite a while but I became resentful that he took no initiative to do so on his own, even with a paper and pen sitting beside him. So I don't do that anymore. If it's important enough then he'll find the motivation.
    "Wherever in the world much poverty is found, much religion is found also"

  6. #26
    Vicious Trollop Kimm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Really crack-a-lackin language master
    Posts
    44,958
    Rep Power
    388281
    Our marriage is very equal in terms of this. In fact, if I had to say who does more, it might be him, but then I think about things like bill paying and appointments and I do all of that. I really do think we are pretty even.

    When we first got married, I sent cards to all of his family because I am a nice person and wanted them to like me. That lasted about 5 years…right up until I figured out that they were never going to like me. What can I say? I was an optimist. Up until I met them, I had never really had anyone who actively didn't like me. I am pretty damn sure it's them, not me, so screw em.

    I don't think I take on any other emotional labor for him. I do think the kids would have had some differences if he was raising them alone. I doubt he ever would have made cake pops for their classes. I also doubt he would have home schooled them. He is not organized enough.

    I do think I actively looked for a man who was not emotionally lazy though. That's the best term I can think of to describe the men in my extended family. I knew what I didn't want.

  7. #27
    Premier Sponsor Mare's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    St. Louis
    Posts
    22,372
    Rep Power
    281945
    DH has a microscopically small family, and I don't remind him about his parent's birthdays or anything like that. I never have and won't.

    I do however, do all of the "emotional" labor in my house, and I really grates on me sometimes. I handle all doctor related stuff other than he does take the kids to appointments more than I do (he rarely work 40 hours per week and can take off more than I can).

    I handle all the bills, all of the stuff like that. I also do most of the cleaning. He does do laundry, but only because it bothers him to leave it until the weekend for some reason I don't understand.

    I get exhausted sometimes because I feel like I'm being taken advantage of in some cases. His argument is that I would be too "picky" if he did some of these things. Maybe so. I know when I first started dating him, he only paid bills once per month no matter when they were due. So, he consistently paid late fees on utility bills. Drove me nuts.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •