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Thread: How to handle this scenario

  1. #1
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    How to handle this scenario

    Putting in debate, because I know someone won't agree with me. Lol.
    For clarification sake, Beth is my son's fiancee. Jacob is my son. They have been dating for 3 years now, and will marry next November. Emily is my daughter. Tom is my husband, and he is a police officer.
    Long story... my future daughter in law is precious, but her dad is a whack job. I truly can't stand the guy. He is rude, and quite frankly, a weirdo. He does "nail art" on his own hands, not just a manicure, but full on acrylics, with polish, stuff embedded in them, etc. I would think they were tacky on anyone, but on someone with a full beard, it is just plain weird. He is also a jackass, IMO, for several reasons. One being that when he was invited to my mom and dads a few years ago for Thanksgiving, he showed up with his "service dog", who proceeded to pee all over their carpet, and drip blood on their bedroom floor, because she was in heat. He didn't even try to clean it up, he just watched my mom do it. My mom has severe pet allergies, and was just too nice to tell him to leave. Another example, Beth messaged him and her mom a while back, asking if they would be able to help with the wedding at all. His response was "someone hasn't been paying their child support, so I am tapped out".Her parents divorced several years ago,, after going to prison together for embezzlement. Mom took over a 100 grand from her place of employment. He has also been filming cops (as is his right), and generally being a jerk to other officers, not Tom *yet*. So, I have lots of reasons to just not like this guy. Fast forward to a little while ago, and I get a text message from Beth, asking if her dad and his girlfriend, and her 3 brothers can join us tomorrow... Um WHAT? I didn't buy a big enough briskit to feed 5 extra people, 2 of whom are teenage boys, the grocery stores are now all closed. I told her I didn't think I had enough, she responded with "he has a cooked ham he can bring". I was willing to let it go, but Tom was pissed. He called Jacob, and told him that the dad is not welcome here. Then he tempered it with we will be polite if they show up, but don't expect conversations and no tension. I have also talked to Jacob, but not to Beth. I am giving it some time first. Here's the thing. I worked out Chrismas details out weeks ago, accommodating for Tom's schedule ( he will get off at 7 in the morning), Emily's schedule (she has to work 10-2), Beth's schedule (she works 6-2), and Jacob's schedule ( he goes to work tomorrow night). I knew full well there was a good chance I wouldn't get to see all of them at the same time, I knew Jacob would be spending part of the day with her family, as he should. I didn't want to be the overbearing MIL and make demands on their time. Now this dad wants to INVITE HIMSELF last minute to my house for Christmas dinner?! Am I wrong in shutting it down? Oh, one more detail- Beth wasn't even speaking to him until last week. He has hurt her over and over and over again. I don't want to hurt her to, but I just can't do it with this man.

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    He sounds like a jackass, for sure. But I'd do whatever I could to make it festive and include them and be the bigger person. With any luck, you'll be dealing with him for a long, long time. He will be your grandchildren's other grandparent. And even if things go south between him and Beth, you'll still be the hero of Christmas 2016.

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    Camacho 2016 tpatt100's Avatar
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    You already did what most would not which is to be up front about how you feel. If they don't get the message then you have to go all out to shut it down
    Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them.


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    Sponsor GiftOfFlavor's Avatar
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    Don't let the dog come over

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    argh Nansel's Avatar
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    Because you might be dealing with this guy for years, I'd set the line right now. Dh's parents and my parents never spent holidays together, they had family and their own friends to welcome them. If he has food, and 4 other people to have dinner with, why is he even trying to weasel his way into your family gathering?

    He's already taken advantage of your family's hospitality (the "service dog" episode) and shown how he will be at gatherings. So I'd be telling them "oh hell no".

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    Moderator purplekitty's Avatar
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    Oh hell no. I'm totally with your husband. Beth is being rude asking at the last minute and if it was my own DIL, I would gently but firmly explain why I wasn't agreeable to having her father at my house for Christmas. But my DIL knows how I feel about her father and has for a number of years, so it's doubtful she'd even ask.

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    Premier Sponsor Inky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AuntPolly View Post
    He sounds like a jackass, for sure. But I'd do whatever I could to make it festive and include them and be the bigger person. With any luck, you'll be dealing with him for a long, long time. He will be your grandchildren's other grandparent. And even if things go south between him and Beth, you'll still be the hero of Christmas 2016.
    This is likely what I would do, and probably the right thing to do, but having a police officer in our family too - it would be very difficult to have someone like that around. Especially at Christmas. They see train-wreck families all year round - it must be awful to risk it coming into your own home.

    I feel sorriest for Beth - she's an innocent in all this. I guess I'd try and gauge her feelings on having her father come over. Since it has only happened once before (at your mom & dads) and not that often, maybe you can take a chance on them behaving.

    If your dh is anything like my son, he won't tolerate anything less in his own home.
    I can't think of anything witty to say for my signature line.

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    Moderator Shaena's Avatar
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    I am on PKs bench here. I would tell her no as PK said.

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    I told her no. I just can't do it. Honestly, if this had come up a week or more ago, things would probably be very different. I would have time to prepare myself. Also, my house is "family clean" right now, not "company clean". Quite frankly, I don't have the time or energy to do any more.
    Something Tom just reminded me of- Last year, her mom was here visiting for Christmas. She was staying with Jacob and Beth. She came over for the day, and it wasn't an issue at all. Beth's dad wouldn't let the mom come to his house at all, even to drop off the boy's presents. Beth and Jacob had to go pick the boys up, and take them to their apartment so the mom could see them. There may be more to that story I don't know, and I am not sure of the details on why he has primary custody, but it makes me feel slightly more vindicated in saying no.
    And no way in HELL is that dog coming over, EVER. LOL.

  10. #10
    Full Sponsor TapToTalk's Avatar
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    You don't need the father in your life; seems like he's taking advantage of you through Beth. Based on what you said in your last sentence, Beth needs some help getting up the spine to shut him out, too. You and your husband sound like you can be good role models for drawing the line.

    Even if you had known in advance, that would not change his lousy behavior. I feel sorry for your son, he's going to have to deal with this guy. You don't have to and you shouldn't unless he decides to join the human race.

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