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Thread: Cheating

  1. #21
    Nihongo dame desu villanelle's Avatar
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    Oh good. I thought it was just me. I feel like if I found out, I would feel the need to do something. I don't think I could just say, "no biggie; water under the bridge" because I'd feel like that let him off the hook or encouraged it or something. But it seems like it would be an absolute shame to disrupt what we have now, which is so very good lately. I like LB's point about him have to live with the guilt and fear, and not burden me with it. That makes a lot of sense.

  2. #22
    Shrieking Violet Sprockey's Avatar
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    I have always been on the "don't want to know" bench.
    I'm lazy and don't want to be burdened with a mandate to take some kind of action.

    If nothing has changed in the way I am being treated or feel, then keep that to yourself.

    Let me know right before you are walking out the door.
    I'll deal with it then.

  3. #23
    Full Sponsor TapToTalk's Avatar
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    One night stand once... don't want to know. Serial cheating or a real affair...yes.

  4. #24
    Member jjchris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sprockey View Post
    I have always been on the "don't want to know" bench.
    I'm lazy and don't want to be burdened with a mandate to take some kind of action.

    If nothing has changed in the way I am being treated or feel, then keep that to yourself.

    Let me know right before you are walking out the door.
    I'll deal with it then.
    This is me. I'm not going anywhere. Ever. The less I know the better.

  5. #25
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    I'd want to know in all of the cases. I would maybe temporarily blame the messenger because I tend not to be very logical when I'm upset. If it was an affair that happened long ago and was over I would still want to know. DH and I are currently in marriage cou selling and I've found that honest really is the best policy about everything, even if it hurts temporarily. We are both in this for the long haul and secrets, even old ones, just help drive a wedge between a couple.

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sprockey View Post
    I have always been on the "don't want to know" bench.
    I'm lazy and don't want to be burdened with a mandate to take some kind of action.

    If nothing has changed in the way I am being treated or feel, then keep that to yourself.

    Let me know right before you are walking out the door.
    I'll deal with it then.
    I'm kind of on this bench. I'd want to know about a long-standing affair or serial one-night-stand cheating, but if something happened years ago or even recently and it was just once? He could keep it to himself and live with the guilt, and the messenger could mind his/her own business. What good would it do to bring it up years later if it never happened/would happen again?

  7. #27
    Moderator purplekitty's Avatar
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    No good will come from knowing about something that happened in the past especially if only once. I don't want that hurt unless it's something on-going and active.

    Like Sprockey, if I'm being treated well, then keep that shit in the past where it belongs.

  8. #28
    Chronically sleep deprived RN_mom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mamapalooza View Post
    Yes
    Yes
    Yes
    Yes
    No

    It is really humiliating when you eventually learn that you're the classic "last to know". At least it was for me with my ex. And then after I left I had people telling me MORE things I hadn't known. Thanks buddy, but where you all this time?! Those messengers I can live without, they don't actually think you deserve to know that a third person is in your bed so you can proactively protect yourself, they just like adding more shit on the already-flaming shit pile.
    Yes. That was almost the worst part of my divorce. The having people tell me what he'd been doing. I ended up calling one girl who he worked with that was supposed to be my friend. He kept acting all innocent as though he had never done anything wrong and I was the cause of our marriage's demise.

    I had long suspected something but I was being seriously gaslighted. So we had been apart a few months and her best friend informs me that they had been sleeping together. So I called her. She didn't answer so I left a voicemail that went something like this (in my super nice catching up with a friend voice) "Hey Jennifer! I was just calling to say hey. Haven't talked to you in a while. Hope you're doing ok and also wondering how it felt to fuck my his and while I was home taking care of his babies and being verbally and physically abused. I sincerely hope it was worth it. Have a great night!!"

    She called me back not long after. She admitted to kissing him in the parking lot and he still admitted to nothing which tells me there was oh so much more. What really got me were the other stories from people who really should have said something to me. I lost friends that way because screw someone who would keep that from me.

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