Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 19

Thread: All right, all you parenting experts! Help a girl out.

  1. #1
    I'm just here for the lulz. Sarsparilla's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Misdoubting you since 1998.
    Posts
    27,925
    Rep Power
    606274

    All right, all you parenting experts! Help a girl out.

    My inlaws now live in Texas. They moved there in order to be hands-on grandparents. Not daily nannies, but active, interested grandparents. However, there are some big problems. Well, two big problems. My BIL and SIL are terrible parents. No, not social services terrible. But indulgent, never-say-no, inconsistent, spoiling their children rotten parents. Material goods aside, and that's taking a great deal to shove them aside as there are A GREAT MANY material goods, they are pretty much fucking up their oldest son.

    I've been telling my inlaws that school would help MJ (the spoilt 4 year old in question), but they've sent him to a super-fancy private school that doesn't want to tell the parents anything negative for fear of losing the astronomical tuition they pay. I thought also that the advent of baby #2 (and soon #3) would help, but the two boys are very different in personality and the indulgence of the two year old has soured him not at all, while the 4 year gets worse all the time. He tantrums, he whines, he cries, he cannot bear anything that isn't Exactly As He Wants It.

    So no one can change how he is being parented. What we're looking for is how to teach MJ that THAT BEHAVIOR is not acceptable at or with his grandparents or aunt and uncle. I had a similar issue with my youngest nephew, but it manifested at 9 and was about anger and backtalk and it was pretty easy, really to just reason with him.

    Any ideas are welcome as is commiseration in all its forms.
    Welcome to Fluffytown. No smoking, no farting, no pillow fights.

  2. #2
    I flunked typing coachgrrl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    20,909
    Rep Power
    503354
    Ugh.

    I think you just have to continue to be consistent when they are with you. I see a lot of this with young kids when parents are tired and just give in. It comes back to haunt them when the cute little kids get bigger and have issues at school and with peers.

  3. #3
    Premier Sponsor mmeblue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    5,946
    Rep Power
    259656
    I don't know if you've already tried these already or not, but here are a couple things that help when Cecily decides to go all three-year-old on me:

    "Oh, sorry, I can't hear you when you speak like that. I'll be happy to listen when you speak in a normal voice."

    "This is not something you need to cry about, so we don't want to listen to you crying. If you want to keep crying, you may go to [room], and then you may come out when you're done." (This may require physically picking him up and taking him to [room] a few times before he goes willingly.)

    "It seems like [toy] is helping you to have a bad attitude instead of a good one. We're going to put [toy] up here until [time] so that you can work on having a better attitude." (I try to pick a spot where she'll see it, or to happen to mention it a time or two during the toy's "time-out," because otherwise she is just happy playing with other stuff and forgets that there was an issue with that toy. The reminder helps her to be contrite.)


    Clara sometimes needs a drink of water to help her calm down. It's a specific action she can take to get herself under control. (She doesn't tantrum like you're saying - this is more like because her art project got a smudge on it and therefore the world is ending. But it could still be a helpful tool in your toolbox.)


    It's got to be a different kind of challenge when it's not your own kid, though. Building that consistency to teach the behavior that's acceptable at your place will take longer. Ugh.

  4. #4
    How many days is it until Friday? ritalouise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Alabammie
    Posts
    15,684
    Rep Power
    0
    "This is not something you need to cry about, so we don't want to listen to you crying. If you want to keep crying, you may go to [room], and then you may come out when you're done." (This may require physically picking him up and taking him to [room] a few times before he goes willingly.)
    This one was used often in my house. It's amazing how quickly a kid will stop pitching a fit when they don't have an audience. It will probably take a few times to get through to him, as he's probably used to using his fits to get what he wants, but it will work with patient consistency.

    Be prepared for the parents to think the grandparents are total meanies, though.

  5. #5
    Premier Sponsor Mare's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    St. Louis
    Posts
    22,680
    Rep Power
    291559
    I'm wondering why his aunt and uncle want to watch him.

    Seriously though, he will learn what he can and can't do when he's with you if parent him correctly and consistently. Mmblue's suggestions are great. He will likely be one of those kids who eventually is great with everyone but his parents.

  6. #6
    Moderator jen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Persisting
    Posts
    22,573
    Rep Power
    409415
    Ignore the behavior you want to extinguish and reward what you want to see again. Keep in mind that behavior will ramp up when ignored, then finally will go away.

    Very, very, very hard to do when the primary caregivers aren't on board, but by far best for the kids.

  7. #7
    Shrieking Violet Sprockey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    I Wish I Knew
    Posts
    103,242
    Rep Power
    715793
    I agree with the others.

    And even though they aren't the parents, the inlaws can still teach what is appropriate behavior while in their presence.

    The kids will adapt

  8. #8
    My Happily Ever After. <3 lilone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Edmonton, AB
    Posts
    12,689
    Rep Power
    216869
    Quote Originally Posted by mmeblue View Post
    I don't know if you've already tried these already or not, but here are a couple things that help when Cecily decides to go all three-year-old on me:

    "Oh, sorry, I can't hear you when you speak like that. I'll be happy to listen when you speak in a normal voice."

    "This is not something you need to cry about, so we don't want to listen to you crying. If you want to keep crying, you may go to [room], and then you may come out when you're done." (This may require physically picking him up and taking him to [room] a few times before he goes willingly.)

    "It seems like [toy] is helping you to have a bad attitude instead of a good one. We're going to put [toy] up here until [time] so that you can work on having a better attitude." (I try to pick a spot where she'll see it, or to happen to mention it a time or two during the toy's "time-out," because otherwise she is just happy playing with other stuff and forgets that there was an issue with that toy. The reminder helps her to be contrite.)


    Clara sometimes needs a drink of water to help her calm down. It's a specific action she can take to get herself under control. (She doesn't tantrum like you're saying - this is more like because her art project got a smudge on it and therefore the world is ending. But it could still be a helpful tool in your toolbox.)


    It's got to be a different kind of challenge when it's not your own kid, though. Building that consistency to teach the behavior that's acceptable at your place will take longer. Ugh.
    : that : clap
    ~Vicki~

    Moving right along....

  9. #9
    Non-praying member Mamapalooza's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    The British Columbia
    Posts
    20,858
    Rep Power
    246172
    I think your in laws have a losing battle on their hands to be honest. They can make it clear which behaviors will and will not be tolerated while the child is alone with them, and they probably will gain some ground, but they could also add yet more inconsistency and confusion in terms of what adults expect and tolerate from the boy. If they set limits in the parents' presence it will go over like a lead balloon, I suspect, the g'parents will be contradicted and undermined and get nowhere. Actually they will go backwards because the parents will demonstrate that the g'parents are not to be listened to or respected.

    The only meaningful way to exert any influence is to convince the parents to get on board and that sounds wholly unlikely right now, especially if there is no challenge to their parenting philosophy coming from the school. I think your in laws are in for some frustrating and disappointing time spent with this family, which is sad.

    My 4 year old g'son has a full time sitter in addition to his mom, both of which have different boundaries from us. We do lay down the law on certain things when he's here (2 weeks just recently) but it's a constant process and to be honest I have no illusions that anything really sticks once he's back home. At the end of the day I accept that he is not our child to raise. If I see something that alarms me because I see my daughter struggle, I address it with her, carefully. But for the most part I accept that my influence is minimal and I tend to keep my opinions to myself unless solicited.
    "Wherever in the world much poverty is found, much religion is found also"

  10. #10
    HI! Wise Old Goat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    within a mile of home
    Posts
    50,134
    Rep Power
    429057
    Quote Originally Posted by Mamapalooza View Post
    I think your in laws have a losing battle on their hands to be honest. They can make it clear which behaviors will and will not be tolerated while the child is alone with them, and they probably will gain some ground, but they could also add yet more inconsistency and confusion in terms of what adults expect and tolerate from the boy. If they set limits in the parents' presence it will go over like a lead balloon, I suspect, the g'parents will be contradicted and undermined and get nowhere. Actually they will go backwards because the parents will demonstrate that the g'parents are not to be listened to or respected.

    The only meaningful way to exert any influence is to convince the parents to get on board and that sounds wholly unlikely right now, especially if there is no challenge to their parenting philosophy coming from the school. I think your in laws are in for some frustrating and disappointing time spent with this family, which is sad.

    My 4 year old g'son has a full time sitter in addition to his mom, both of which have different boundaries from us. We do lay down the law on certain things when he's here (2 weeks just recently) but it's a constant process and to be honest I have no illusions that anything really sticks once he's back home. At the end of the day I accept that he is not our child to raise. If I see something that alarms me because I see my daughter struggle, I address it with her, carefully. But for the most part I accept that my influence is minimal and I tend to keep my opinions to myself unless solicited.

    They can do all they want at their house in terms of discipline and expected behaviour, but if Grandma and Grandpa's house because a place of rules the child himself may decide that spending time with them is no fun at all.

    My SIL doesn't really discipline her children and never has. Or she lets them get away with something a thousand times and then completely loses her shit when the do the same thing on time 1,001 :gah. If her kids do something that MIL doesn't like at her house she'll also say things like "don't do that - my mother doesnt' like it when you do that". Ie throwing grandma under the bus :gah.

    But my MIL wants a relationship with her grandchildren. She spends a lot of time with them in their home which is good for several reasons - they have all of their shit around them, they can break whatever they want to, and logistically there is more of them then there are of her so traveling is easier .

    She's mostly just lets shit fly so she can enjoy her time with them as a grandparent instead of as a disciplinarian. At the end of the day she gets to go home and leave them and their shitty behaviour behind

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •