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Thread: Dear Abby:

  1. #21
    Heartless Wench Alice Chalmers's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jen View Post
    It's a new wound for him, even though he should not have the information. Hopefully they have a solid relationship now and can easily rebuild trust. I'm sure he's now wondering if she had other affairs.
    This. And why was she keeping it? So she can read and relive her affair? If she was truly regretful she should've burned it.

    And it's a really bad sign when a partner betrays the other so early in a relationship, when most people are swooning and on their best behavior. I would wonder if my entire marriage had been based on a lie.

  2. #22
    nolite te bastardes carborundorum stellarfeller's Avatar
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    Or maybe it was in an old box and she forgot that it was even there? I'm sure there's junk in my basement that I can't remember, and I've only been married for not quite 18 years. If I found out my husband had fooled around on me before we were married, I would be upset for a little bit, but as long as I was reasonably sure that he hadn't done it again since (and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't, he's a terrible liar ), I'd get over it.
    Mornings are for coffee and contemplation
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  3. #23
    Full Sponsor TapToTalk's Avatar
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    Silly answer: I swear, she didn't tell me she was engaged.

    Sarcastic answer: I hope you didn't have an Ashley Madison account if you pursue this.

    Techie answer: If only there was Facebook 40 years ago, this could have been avoided.

    Honest answer: If you're writing to Dear Abby about this, you have some serious communication and trust issues with your wife.

  4. #24
    Moderator purplekitty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stellarfeller View Post
    Or maybe it was in an old box and she forgot that it was even there? I'm sure there's junk in my basement that I can't remember, and I've only been married for not quite 18 years. If I found out my husband had fooled around on me before we were married, I would be upset for a little bit, but as long as I was reasonably sure that he hadn't done it again since (and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't, he's a terrible liar ), I'd get over it.
    Right. I've found things (letters, journals, etc) I'd packed away many, many years ago that I didn't realize I still had until I was cleaning parts of the attic out. When I ran across them, I did end up throwing them out because I didn't want to relieve those things. Some I wouldn't have wanted my husband to read because a couple of the things I'd wrote was about struggling with my marriage and the feelings I had at the time. There is nothing nefarious about keeping a diary packed away for years. SHE is not the one that is in the wrong in this current day. HE is.

  5. #25
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    I would not be upset if my husband read my diary from 40 years ago. I mean, I'm not actually 40 yet, but if it were from 20 years ago... whatever. DH and I were dating in high school, and I had a HUGE crush on one of my male friends. I probably wrote in my diary about how I wanted to date my hot friend. DH and I have been married for 17 years and the hot friend now married with children and living 1500 miles away, so I'm pretty sure he would not be threatened by this information.

    Which is not to say that the husband in this story should not feel hurt. Feelings are what they are. I just don't think he was really wrong to read her old diary. I'm sure it was in a box, long-forgotten. I also don't think this is something that should impact their marriage beyond a conversation and an apology from the wife. Water under the bridge at this point.

  6. #26
    Member phoenix rising's Avatar
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    I think he did something absolutely wrong in reading her journal. I've got diaries that I wrote from ages 13-25 and I'd be very upset in my husband came across them and read them as they contain my innermost thoughts at the time.

    As for bringing the affair up to her, I think it'd be a good idea so that she could close some distance that she herself may have put between them over the years due to her guilt (assuming she has some). Maybe she never allowed herself to fully open up to him and reveal that side of her self/history.

  7. #27
    Moderator purplekitty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phoenix rising View Post
    I think he did something absolutely wrong in reading her journal. I've got diaries that I wrote from ages 13-25 and I'd be very upset in my husband came across them and read them as they contain my innermost thoughts at the time.
    Exactly. I used to write things as a way to cope with stress related things and to sort out my feelings, and I would be pissed if my husband read something private of mine that he came across without asking me first. Like I've already said, there were things I wrote that I've since come across and destroyed because I know they would have been hurtful to him and they serve no useful purpose many years after the fact.

  8. #28
    Shrieking Violet Sprockey's Avatar
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    I kept diaries for years and destroyed them before I moved in with my (now), DH.
    I sooo regret that.
    I would love to go back to read those now.

  9. #29
    The future needs a big kiss Sam's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alice Chalmers View Post
    This. And why was she keeping it? So she can read and relive her affair? If she was truly regretful she should've burned it.

    And it's a really bad sign when a partner betrays the other so early in a relationship, when most people are swooning and on their best behavior. I would wonder if my entire marriage had been based on a lie.
    This.

    If she cheated so soon in the honey moon period then what did she do when they faced hard times?

    That is what I would think and I can't imagine not discussing it with Tom if I found out he had an affair when we were engaged.


    That said, after 40 years and I was sure that no more affairs took place I would hope that I would soon get over it and move on.

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