Our new foster teen and the three letter word!
Ok. I need to take a breath before I post this, but I really want advice.
We recently had our STBAKs older brother move in with us as a foster placement. I've never had a teen in our home so this is new territory for us.
I'm not blind to the fact that kids are having sex. I know it's going to happen whether I tell him not to. Add the fact that I did not raise him and he started VERY young to that and yeah...it's going to happen. So right now we're just trying to make sure that he's prepared and protected. I also want to be open with our FS so that he knows he can talk to us about ANYTHING! Sometimes I regret the openness, but I didn't have that with my parents.
He has a girlfriend he's been with since his former placement (2-3 months). They've apparently had two pregnancy scares because he was not prepared or protected. All of this happened before he was in our home. I've talked to her mom and she point blank asked me if he was a bad influence on her daughter. I was so caught off guard that I just said "I would never let them out of your sight." As far as she knows her daughter is still a virgin. I don't feel comfortable telling her she's not! But she also said that the relationship would end if she knew they were active. He talks about him staying the night eventually and them cuddling in her bed. Her mom is BLIND! Her mom says they're never alone, but he tells me that's where they do it. He told me all the places they've done it in her house and we've talked about being disrespectful, etc. He even told me that sometimes his gf doesn't him him to use a condom.
I have a feeling this relationship is going to fizzle because he'll be going to a different school. But I feel like I'm keeping him on lock down from her right now because I don't want him making a bad decision. I feel like I'm lying to her mom. I don't like that either.
HELP! What the heck do I do??
This is a tough one. With little more to go on other than what you have posted, I would be very concerned. How old are the sexually active couple? The two pregnancy scares in a relatively short period of time, combined with the fact she (supposedly) requests non-protected sex is a huge red flag, imho. Combine that with your feeling the relationship won't last and it sounds like a trap.
Originally Posted by May27JnJ
I am the mother of two teenaged daughters, and while I would prefer to think of them as pristine and sexually innocent until marriage, I am not a fool. If the parental figure of one of my dd's boyfriends had knowledge of sexual activity taking place, I would want to know in order to reinforce wise choices and personal responsibility. Honestly, the information might be difficult for me to accept from an outsider, but I would rather hear such information from someone else BEFORE one of my dds ended up having to break the news of my pending grandmotherhood.
If I were the parental figure of a young man, I would see to it that he understood the same. Condoms would be made readily, and unembarassingly available in a conspicuous but not obvious place. (Like next to his deodorant). My feeling is such: if you feel old enough to be sexually active, you should accept the responsibility of looking out for your sexual health as well.
She's 14 and he's 15. Both freshman in HS.
I just don't think the relationship will last once he starts at a new school. He'll get interested in someone else. Although he swears he's going to marry her.
Oh yeah...I forgot to add that he does have condoms available at our house. I'm good with him using them...if he'll use them! He also wants to buy some Plan B "just in case".
Dang I can't edit!
"I'm good with him having them...if he'll use them!"
May, you have done everything you can possibly do. As a mother of two girls, I would want to know if my daughter was taking such foolish risks. Knowing your foster son wants to buy some Plan B "just in case" shows he has an understanding of what can happen. The simple fact of the matter is that he cannot force her to take the Plan B should a pregnancy result from their actions.
I remember being 14 and 15 and knowing exactly where my life was headed, as well. It's a damned shame that life learns to throw a curveball just when we improve our batting average!
It sounds like you've done what you can. I would reiterate that the mother of his gf isn't aware that they are sexually active and that they should not be engaging in sexual activity in her house since it's disrespectful and would not be a good experience for him if they were ever caught. I would also reiterate the importance of ALWAYS wearing a condom because Peanut is right - he cannot force her to terminate should she find herself pregnant. And that will have life long consequences for him if she doesn't. He needs to take care of what he can control. Always.
It's great that he feels comfortable enough to talk to you about it.
Her mom needs to know, because clearly the kids are not making consistnetly wise choices. It does sound "trappy" to me--the whole part about her wanting to have unprotected sex and the two pregnancy scares in such a short time. Timeline wise, basically that means every month she has been scared she might be pregnant. Either they are not learning from their mistakes or she is trying to trap him and he is not learning from his mistakes.
Forever is a really long time to be a dad or mom, especially when your forever starts your freshman year of high school.
I do think it sounds like she's trying to trap him, but there's no way I'd be telling the mom that they are sexually active. Particularly since one of the first things out of her mouth was asking if the boy was a bad influence on her daughter. Nope. That woman isn't going to make the situation better.
I will say that neither of them realize how a cycle works. They thought she was supposed to start on the 15th (23 day cycle) but it was actually the 20th (28 day cycle). So we've touched a little on that.
I do think that some of it is talk, but I have also seen their FB messages. So I know that she's been worried about it too.
They know he's a foster kid. They know he's been to detention. I just don't see how they can be so blind. The mom told me that she's had open talks with him about him never asking her daughter to do something she should say no to. But yet they lay on the couch together and (from what he says) in her bed.