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Thread: Girl troubles

  1. #1
    Premier Sponsor Mare's Avatar
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    Girl troubles

    I'm just full of angst today.

    My 14 year old DD has been ousted by her group of friends. They were all the "popular" girls, and my DD was too. Frankly, I think they were probably like "Mean Girls". I've discussed with my DD many, many, many times about what is a real friend and treating other people like you want to be treated, etc...

    I don't know if any of it sank in. She says she was not a "Mean Girl", but I don't know. I've tried so many times to encourage other friendships because I knew how this would turn out.

    She has been to counseling before, but she wasn't really into it and told the counselor what she wanted to hear. I don't know if another round would help if she's not willing, ykwim?

    Part of me is really hoping this lesson sticks because I know how middle school girls are. I never wanted my kid to be one of "those girls".

    I don't know what to do for her other than encourage other friendships and try to get her involved in other things. I thought volleyball would be a long term thing, but this past year crushed that.

    Any advice?

  2. #2
    Anyone for tennis? Michelle's Avatar
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    Mare, what was she "ousted" for?
    Sure, everything we wear smells like barbecue, but you like your shirtwaists triangular, don't you?

  3. #3
    Mmmm, chocolate! Truffles's Avatar
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    I have a 13 yo DD so I feel your pain.


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  4. #4
    Moderator jen's Avatar
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    It's probably going to suck, especially if she was less than kind to the other kids. Hard to get their friendship after damage has been done.
    Part of the problem that teens don't buy into therapy is because they don't see themselves as having problems.
    you can't force her to talk with anyone. It may mean sitting through many sessions before your dd had enough trust in the therapist to really say what she feels. That can take months. Hell, it takes adults that long sometimes and they want to be there.
    Get her involved in activities as much as you can. Hopefully she will meet other kids and make new friends.

  5. #5
    Premier Sponsor Mare's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Michelle View Post
    Mare, what was she "ousted" for?
    She told me that she stood up for another girl in the group who was being bullied. My DD wasn't at this event where it occurred, so I know she wasn't involved. The other girls turned on my DD for sticking up for her, and then the girl who was bullied became friends with the other girls again and then turned on my DD. DD told them all she's tired of the fakeness and drama.

    The ring leader of this group of girls is the girl who lives across the street. At one time she was DD's BFF. The family we have had problems with in the past. This girl went from being very shy to being very catty and very cliqueish. That girl's mother has never liked my DD since the whole Facebook/fireworks thing that happened like 3 years ago. gg

    Anyway, this girl's mother is a truly awful person. I've posted about her before. I tried to bite my tongue as DD made up with her daughter for awhile.

    I'm kind of secretly glad she's fallen out with her at least, but I'm sad the other girls have turned against her.

    I talked to DD about it pretty extensively, and she feels like she had no way out of the group. She said she doesn't like being disliked by other kids and thought of as superficial and stuck up, but I don't feel like she knows any other identity? She's very insecure and has a hard time talking to people she doesn't feel 100% comfortable with on a friendship type basis. She does have a temper though and will often let her mouth get the best of her.

    I don't know enough about the dynamics to really know. She tells me quite a bit, and most of what I've gotten from it is the "mean girl" drama vibe. I've told her over and over I hope she is treating others how she wants to be treated and is not bullying people. She swears she isn't. I don't know if that's 100% true.

    I do know I haven't seen the cattiness in her that I've seen in these other girls, but to be a fly on the wall would certainly help.

    My DD is really all about what she is wearing or what her hair looks like. She really doesn't give 2 shits about grades, which maddens me. She gets As and Bs with the occasional C. We have let her know that C's are not acceptable, and she's been grounded before until the C's have come up to B's.

    For example, she got a B- in fitness class. :gg I asked her how in the world can she get that in Fitness. She doesn't like to do the workouts and screws around. I cannot make her care about school. I wish I could.

  6. #6
    Premier Sponsor Mare's Avatar
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    Jen, I asked her about activities. She's so completely against trying Volleyball again, mostly because the clique is still involved in Volleyball---they are doing select. She was really crushed by this year's play---not getting to play and having the volleyball coach that was pretty awful.

    She says she doesn't want to do anything.

    I'm trying to think of something we can both do together like volunteer at the animal shelter or the food bank.

  7. #7
    ••••••••••••• niccikatie's Avatar
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    Are there any speech or drama clubs available for her? Being involved in drama when I moved to a new school district was one of the ways I made friends quickly. I wasn't a singer and thankfully, we had a drama department that did plays vs musicals. Maybe there's a small community theatre if your school doesn't have this? A major unexpected plus was the public speaking skills I gained have helped me tremendously through my career.

  8. #8
    Premier Sponsor Mare's Avatar
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    I wish she would do drama, but she is so unbelievably self conscious that there's no way she'd do that. I think a large part of the being so into fashion and what she looks like is extreme insecurity.

    She is in choir, and has a beautiful voice. She can really sing very well. I offered to have her attend singing classes, but she didn't want to. She is terrified of singing by herself, which is a shame because she has a good voice.

    I wish I could just snap my fingers and bam! she'd have more self confidence.

  9. #9
    I'll take the crust in peace. Kasi's Avatar
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    I was insecure and quiet, drama helped pull me right out of that! I was scared of everything. Scared to get up in front of my classmates during drama class. My drama teacher was awesome. He'd have us play argue about topics that come up a lot with kids. During one session, trying to feel how I would feel if it was really happening, I got MAD and my mouth went off without me, to thundering applause. Cured me right up. Fake it until you make it.

    Perhaps those girls will welcome her back eventually, but does she want to go back? Maybe encourage her to talk to other kids in her classes? In the library?

  10. #10
    I'm just here for the lulz. Sarsparilla's Avatar
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    In the fall of the year, I was dumped in 8th grade from one of the cool girl groups. I still don't know why. My eighth grade year was awful. It wasn't till spring that I found the courage to sit at lunch with two girls from my grade school who I had always known, but hadn't been close to.

    I don't know what my parents could or should have done to help. I think they did fine. My father let me sit in his classroom and read before school started each day so I wouldn't have to face the ignominy of waiting on the school steps or in the school yard alone. I was in choir, I did well in my classes. I cried a lot. I wrote in my journal. I didn't act out. My parents let me move through it in my own way, but supported me in reminding me I was loved and worth being friends with. My mother told me that the father of one of the girls in the group who dumped me had dumped her when she in high school. That made me feel both better and bonded with my mother!

    Mare, I'm sorry for your girl and sorry it's hard to know how to help.
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